A lil rabbit chase

It’s taken me years to find something I am good at.  I mean really good at. And after all this time, I can say with extreme confidence, no doubt, 100% positivity, no if ands or buts about it that I am great, fantastic, err on the side of professional at….watching tv.  This talent has been with me since a young age. I started zoning in (as my mother was quite thankful I am sure) to Fraggle Rock and I didn’t stop there. My brothers wanted to poke their eyes out -and maybe mine- at how many times they had to watch that red-headed mermaid sing about her junk or Pippy Longstockings walk a tight rope. Fortunately, they had moved out of the house long before I obsessed over whether Joey would choose Pacy (“I don’t wanna wait..”). But they did their damage too, hooking me on Ninja Turtles, Mighty Ducks and Star Wars. To combat you thinking me a brain-dead child from loss of cells, I played really hard outside. My parents made sure I was involved with activities and got my exercise. But if the tube was turned on, my attention was sucked instantly.

Now that I have grown up, realized the important things in life, and have a child to raise I can say with confidence- some things never change. STILL do I enjoy a good hour of mindless television here and there.  I thought this a normal trait to have. However, as I got in groups to watch movies for hang out time, I realized I did not care at all to hang out. I needed everyone to zip their lips, quit asking me questions and let me watch Shelby die for the 500th time, the Titans win the championship (again) and hope that maybe, just maybe this time William Wallace and his love will run away together unharmed (Steel Magnolia’s; Remember the Titans and Braveheart. I may be a tv junky, but I like em all!)  I know Rudy gets to play in the game, but I need to enjoy the chanting and even though I’m certain Ann and Gilbert get together (maybe cause I’ve watched Ann of Green Gables a MILLION TIMES) I still fear her heart will stray. Am I scaring you yet? 

Bottom line is although I am great at watching tv (and memorizing it like it’s a part of my family) I’m not so great at socializing while doing it. Thus why I never suggest a movie to spend time with someone. Coffee, lunch, magazine flipping, a walk- no movie. I just can’t multitask the two.  Some get this. Others would MUCH rather be in a crowd of people, chit chatting through the 5 (or 6?) Rocky’s, not even caring if this will be his final blow!

Weird as this may sound, I got to thinking, is something wrong with me? I’m sure I annoy people who watch movies with me by shushing and turning the volume way up in my passive aggressive way saying “SHUT UP I’M TRYING TO WATCH THIS MOVIE I’VE SEEN 15 TIMES!” Meg has this same condition. Except to my dismay, her’s is with “Doya and Boots” as she calls them. Then she plops down, whips that finger in her mouth and zones into what’s happening with her animated friends. Like me, Meg also plays REALLY hard most of the day. She doesn’t watch ungodly amounts of television. She just really commits the 30 minutes that she does.

But I still stress about her and myself watching too much or getting too into what we watch. But why? Is it because I really think it will cause her damage? Not really- I mean I’m no Albert, but I feel like my brain cells are pretty in tact (message me directly if you feel otherwise). No, it’s my old friend expectation and comparison rearing their ugly heads again. What if we whip out our IPad at the Mexican Restaurant, will people think I can’t control my child? Will they think she is spoiled? On and on and on. EX-HAUST-ING. My Megsie isn’t even 2 yet and I’m worrying others are judging her! I need to end this cycle and end if fast.

My Meg will be great at some things (more than just watching tv). And she will lack at many things as well. My goal is not to be a well-rounded person or to make her a well-rounded child. What a heavy yolk to place on someone. I mean name someone who is ACTUALLY a great artist, clean, sweet, organized, creative, structured, strong, petite, healthy, good at baking, fun, loyal, consistent, spontaneous, social, meek, bold, well-dressed, comfortable, honest, green thumb, techy, great hair, tan and uplifting. They. do. not. exist. If you are good at baking, you prolly aren’t always fit. If you’re spontaneous, you might not be consistent. Creatives aren’t always clean. And the honest aren’t always meek. So what do I want for Meg? What do I want for me? Probably just to be- ourselves. With our weak and strong sides, exposed and accepted by each other.

I chased this rabbit long enough, so I’ll end with this.  I’m starting to see more and more that there are just some things I’m not so great at. But for the first time for me- that’s ok. And what I want is for others to feel ok around me, even if their weaknesses and “not so greats” are exposed as well. ESPECIALLY my little girl. 

Gotta go watch a movie with the Megsie 🙂 She is her momma’s daughter- in some ways. 

May the force be with you,

jess

 

 

side note- There are some things about myself that I can and SHOULD change. My worry, consumerism, selfishness, temper and pride have all got to be shed. Just not taking too much time to stress over losing my phone daily, having to ask for my hub’s help to match my clothes (not on the best dressed list), or killing most house plants. 

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