I wonder a lot about you. What you will be like. What will be your first favorite Disney character. If you’ll be wild and crazy like your joyful sister, or have a more meek and even type of delight. Will you squeal when you see us? Or will you cry because we scare you a little. What will you struggle with, being adopted? Having a multiracial family- will that make you proud or ashamed at times? Why did your birthmother allow us the honor of being the ones to enjoy you? Were you hurt? Are you being hurt right now? Do you feel the love we have for you? Will you feel it soon? Is someone holding you right now? Are you sleeping on a bed? The floor? Have you ever been kissed? Hugged? Held? Will you want to be, at first? I want you here. Now. Right, right, right now. I don’t like to wait. But in this I have no choice.
I wonder about me. Will I have what it takes to be your mom? Can I be strong enough in all the change and transitions? Will your weaknesses overwhelm me? Will your strengths? How many times will I cry before you come? How many times after? The lump in my throat gets bigger with each day as I think about you. Can I handle this waiting task? Will I go crazy? Ok…will I go MORE crazy :). Do people understand how I feel? Loving some little person so much that I’ve never even seen in a photo. Missing someone I have never met. Do I understand how I feel?
I wonder about us. Imagining you and Meg giggling late into the night and not even having the heart to come stop it. Watching your daddy take a million pictures of you attempting to make up for lost time. Seeing you on our street, mooching sweets off our neighbors, following your sister’s lead. I envision smiles on the faces of our church body as we roll through the doors 5 minutes passed with my fair skinned beauty and dark haired princess, probably shoeless beside me.
So in my wonder there is curiosity, fear, excitement, anticipation, a lil worry a lot of imagination, a bit impatience, and heart about to burst. But I’ll keep wondering. And wondering. And wondering. Because that is what we have right now- me and you little princess. Wonder. And maybe, and hopefully, somewhere you are wondering about me too.