Chain Chain Chain

I don’t wear a ton of jewelry. Not because I don’t think it is pretty and fabulous- my neck and ears decided a long time ago they were minimalists. It was probably my phase of the hemp necklace (which was uncool to take off even in the shower and only got thrown away once your mother had enough of the scraggly breaded mess and your attempt at being a hippy) and my hundreds of infected ear holes because of all my Claire’s purchases that really did them in. But nevertheless, my ears and neck will only accept studs and simple chains now.  I have embraced their decision and now wear the same few necklaces and earrings, rotating them only to make myself not feel boring.

My only frustration with the simple chains, is when they get a knot. Like that microscopic, have to do surgery with a needle and tweezers to hopefully get the knot undone but keep the chain unbroken at the same time. This usually happens to me right before we are jumping in the car to go somewhere and I feel like I could look more girlie so I go in for the chain- only to find it knotted. And it isn’t knotted in the back- nooooooooooooo. That would be WAY to passive for that little dad- gum knot. It likes to take its place right in the middle of your chest. One time I got so mad I couldn’t get a knot out, I decided to make more knots in hopes of making it look like the necklace was suppose to be like that. As in,    “yea, see my new necklace with 6 knots in it? It’s all the rage. It’s so…knotty”…Knotty!?! It’s a wonder I have friends.

Unfortunately, my necklaces weren’t the only knotted chains weighing me down lately. Eden has been home for just over 5 weeks. I can honestly say, 4 of those weeks I was a mess. Completely wound up in every way. Stressed about how, what, when I should do things. My gut would tell me one thing, my head another, and my heart would just burst into tears at my tug of war. Each morning seemed so long. We would play, snack, cuddle, read, wrestle, laugh, snack, drink, watch a cartoon, potty, color, repeat- and I would look up and thirty minutes would have gone by. THIR-TY MIN-UTES! My bag of tricks was not lasting long. Neither was my creativity, patience, strength, flexibility or hopeful attitude. Every task seemed hard, mostly because I made a mountain out of a mole hill and because I wasn’t trusting myself to make decisions. Worried, so deeply that I may mess up. I usually don’t worry about messes. I like to clean so organizing and art are always fun because of both the mess and the clean up. But how do you clean up a HUMAN that you mess up? And since we just brought one home with some baggage, I was absolutely on edge.

My knot kept getting bigger. I would have good days and moments, but somehow plummet back into frustration and negativity. It’s like I viewed this whole thing as a ladder. Made a few steps up, then would fall all the way down. I was hard on my kids, hard on my husband, and hard on myself. It didn’t seem like any of my usual ways to get out of the funk were helping. I just continued to get more and more twisted. Crying a lot. Desperately trying to make it to nap time then bed time. Snapping constantly at Robby. I felt like a tangled mess.

Now I know, you sweet encouragers will tell me we had not been at home that long and this is a big transition. Which is true. But if you have ever lived so in your head, consumed by worry and bad thoughts and basically shooting venom out of your mouth each time you were asked for juice, then you understand that those days are long. And the words and attitude I was carrying was creating a world in my home that was unacceptable and exhausting. It was not helping me and you can only say sorry for your words so much before you have GOT to start showing you’re sorry in your actions. It was time to make a real change.

I have a great husband and intentional community at church. Through some words of wisdom and a lot of grace, I made a decision. I was not going to live in turmoil anymore. I am not going to live in turmoil anymore. I may mess up my little humans at times and be imperfect. I will not always make the right decision or the best choice for them. I will probably spend the rest of my life telling them I’m sorry for various crazy things I do or don’t do. But I’m learning the even greater lesson is not trying to be perfect, but to show my girls how to wear their mess ups with grace, flexibility and humor.  To know that marriage is hard, and when struggle happens, IT IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD! Or our marriage. It just happens.

This is a lesson I have had to learn over and over and over again. And maybe that is where the grace lies. Allowing myself to ebb and flow in and out of successes and failures, highs and lows, “goods” and “bads”. Not sure if any of you have this issue. Getting wound up and worked up by your failures and worries. Maybe your knot is small and manageable. Maybe it has gotten so big, you aren’t sure if it can ever be unraveled. Not to be too presumptuous- but I think it can. I know it can. And IF your knot was doing what mine was- weighing you down, making something that should be beautiful, ugly…

Throw it out.

Let it go.

It’s not worth your time or trouble to unravel it. Begin again. Ask for forgiveness and give it to yourself. Then MOVE ON. We do not have to live anxious and worried. Fretting every move we make and lavishing guilt on ourselves and those around us when things fall short. Let’s not be fools. Let’s take off all our chains. And allow ourselves and each other to just live.

say no to knots,

jess

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One thought on “Chain Chain Chain

  1. Thank you so much for sharing this. I feel like I’m in the middle of a huge knot so this was beyond encouraging. It’s always good to know you’re not the only one, and also get someone else’s outlook. Love ya!! I think you’re doing amazing!!

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